Title: Me Boy, You Wolf (or Common Sense is Overrated)
Author: Lux (quietlygorgeous@hotmail.com)
Feedback: I will love you whether you give it or not
Pairing: Harry/Wolf
Rating: R
Summary: Harry is caught out late at night without his wand.
Challenge: It's at the bottom of the story. Don't wanna ruin it.
Warnings: sort of bestiality but not really, sort of golden showers, bad humor
Archive: snowroses.net when HPCFC ends
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am very poor. This story contains under-age slash and sort of bestiality. Read at your own risk. Contains no STDs
Author's Note: I'm pretty sure this is not what amanuensis1 had in mind but I thought it was pretty funny. As long as you don't take it seriously, you'll probably (hopefully) think its funny, too. Some liberties were taken. This takes place in Harry's third year. Written for the HPCFC.
Thanks: KC for her endless help and support in all things.

Me Boy, You Wolf

There was something about the night sky that relaxed Harry. Maybe it was the winking stars or the way the clouds rolled across the dark sky. Or maybe it was just the infinite silence of the night that allowed him to think without interruption.

He was lying on his back near the border of the Forbidden Forest, the soft grass supporting him like a natural mattress. The blades tickled the back of his neck and rippled as a soft breeze rolled through the air, brushing his bangs away from his forehead. He pulled distractedly at a blade of grass and dissected it with his fingernail until it multiplied into ten hair-thin strips. He sprinkled them across the lawn, not paying attention to where they fell.

He shivered as a stronger breeze caused the trees to whisper and sing to each other, leafs scratched together and the bark creaked noisily. The air was beginning to cool and Harry could smell rain on the air. He stood and brushed himself off before making the trek back to the castle. He hummed softly to himself, creating a strange melody that blended with the sound of the trees and the rocks that knocked against the soles of his shoes.

Harry had just cleared Hagrid's hut when he heard it ? the soft growl by his left thigh. He froze in mid-step, his blood curdling like old milk in his veins. Cautiously, he looked to his side and nearly lost his footing when he saw just how close the wolf was. Barely two feet away and Harry had no chance of making it to the castle before he was overtaken. He hadn't thought the wolves ever left the Forbidden Forest and he tried desperately to remember if tonight was a full moon.

He stared straight ahead just as the clouds shifted and a great, fat moon hung in the sky as if teasing Harry for his ignorance and his miscalculations. He swore under his breath and tried to keep from choking as he swallowed. He looked to his side again and saw empty space. Puzzling; he couldn't remember hearing the wolf move or even hearing stories of wolves suddenly leaving their prey. Perhaps he was just lucky.

Slowly, his arms unlock and he allowed his legs to unclench. Carefully, he took a few steps and bit his lip to keep from crying out when a pair of jaws settled on his ankle. Not hard enough to break skin but he could feel the teeth against bone and knew the animal has broken through his jeans. They were only 50 feet in front of Hagrid's front door and if Harry yelled, he knew Hagrid would hear him but he wasn't sure he wouldn't be ripped to shreds before Hagrid even got to his front door.

Shit, shit, shit. He was doomed. Abso-fucking-lutely doomed. He peered carefully over his shoulder and into great yellow eyes. They narrowed as the lip of the wolf's jowls turned upwards and Harry could see every single one of its very, very pointy teeth. He swallowed and tried to think of something to do. What would Hermione do? Hermione wouldn't have gotten caught after dark without her wand, Harry thought bitterly.

"Nice puppy," he whispered.

The wolf growled back threateningly and gave Harry's leg a little tug, knocking the boy off balance and onto his back. Harry froze as his head knocked against the ground and he stopped breathing until his lungs were ready to burst. He hoped one of the teacher's was patrolling the grounds, even Snape! He closed his eyes when he remembered Snape was tucked in the hospital wing thanks to Neville's new attempt at Potions earlier that week.

The wolf circled him, sniffing under Harry's knee and up his side to his armpit. Harry could feel the wet, sticky breath against his skin. Fur grazed the underside of his arm and goose bumps exploded along the surface of his skin. The wolf moved away and around until he reached Harry's neck. The press of a wet nose made his spine tingle and his toes curl in his shoes. A coarse tongue followed and he couldn't help the shiver that ran through him. The wolf growled softly into his ear and the hair on the back of Harry's neck stood on end. He clenched his fists into the grass and tried to stay calm.

Vaguely he remembered something Aunt Marge had once said about dogs and dominance. If one of the smaller pups was being thrown about or bitten, it needed only to roll onto its back and expose its stomach to the more superior dog. Harry hoped the same thing went for wolves and maybe it would trot off and find something more interesting to eat. He thought briefly of trying to wallop it on the nose but somehow that didn't seem like a good idea. Let it be known that Harry Potter did have a modicum of sense when it came to saving his own ass.

He jumped when a nose pressed against his crotch. The wolf growled in response to his movement but didn't move its head from between Harry's thighs. An image of himself lying on the ground with a gaping hole in his jeans flooded his head and he hoped the wolf wasn't interested in ripping off his genitals. He lifted his head and stared at the wolf; back rigged and its hackles on end. Harry swallowed and dropped his head back to the ground. He didn't know what to do! None of the books said anything about a wolf between your legs!

He stopped breathing when he felt the wolf on his left leg. He closed his eyes tightly and exhaled loudly when it began to move against his leg. Harry almost laugh but the sound just came out as a strangled cry. The wolf was humping his leg. It was a he, then. A he that apparently hadn't gotten laid in a very long time. If he ever lived to tell about this, he would laugh about it in front of the fireplace with Ron in the morning and Hermione would just scold him for being out after hours after lecturing him on the importance of keeping ones wand on their person at all times. She'd probably tell him he deserved it.

He peered down at the wolf and wondered how long it took them to cum. Shouldn't he have been done by now? Harry was no expert as far as orgasms went but he knew his own came very, very quickly. He wished the damn thing would hurry up so it could decide if Harry could live or not. He found himself scowling down at the creature and contemplating giving his leg a bit of a jiggle just to speed things along.

The wolf looked up and gave a soft growl when he realized Harry was watching. Harry obediently dropping his own gaze and lay back down. He really wanted to protest the raping of his leg but somehow he doubted he would win such an argument. The best thing to do was just lay still and let the wolf finish his business.

He scrunched up his face in disgust when he felt something wet go through his jeans and the wolf went very still. He wondered briefly if there were other victims who'd had their legs molested by unsuspecting werewolves. Though he wasn't sure it was a werewolf. Just because it was a full moon didn't mean it was a werewolf. And the only werewolf he knew around the area was Professor Lupin and he had the Wolfsbane Potion. But then he remembered that Snape was in the infirmary and Harry really hoped this wasn't Professor Lupin.

The wolf stood and sauntered lazily towards Harry's head. He sat down near Harry's shoulder and began to lick Harry's neck. The tongue bath was slow and seemed to focus almost completely on Harry's pulse point. He shivered and tried to think of pleasant things but it was hard when he had a possible man-eating beast tasting his neck. It also didn't help that the tongue actually felt quite nice and he couldn't honestly say he didn't sort of enjoy the way the rough tongue felt against his skin.

Involuntarily, he tilted his head and exposed more flesh. He was screwed. Very, very screwed. But he figured he might as well enjoy it. It could be his first and last ever sexual experience if the night ended the way he thought it would. So, he quite agreeably allowed the wolf to feast on his neck and valiantly tried to ignore how snug his jeans suddenly were. He shifted his hips and gasped out loud when he felt teeth graze his throat. Oh god, this was it! The wolf was going to rip him to pieces. He braced himself.

Stinking breath clouded his nostrils. He opened one eye and frowned. Why wasn't the wolf ripping him to pieces? He should be a million little pieces by now, scattered all across the lawn. The last remaining bits of Harry Potter. Didn't the wolf know how this sort of thing went?

"So," he said. "I don't suppose you'd let me up and let me go off on my merry way."

The wolf growled.

"Right, I thought not." He shifted uncomfortably and waited for the wolf to make his next move. He felt like he was playing chess with Ron. Harry got to move every once in awhile but every single turn just seemed to fuel Ron's victory. He wondered if wolves were smart enough to play with their victims before eventual disembowelment.

It really wasn't fair. Why couldn't the wolf had gotten a hold of Snape? Of course, Snape wouldn't be stupid enough to go 'round walking the grounds without his wand. It was really unfair how everyone had more common sense than he did. Harry jumped when he felt the tongue on his stomach now. His shirt had ridden up his side exposing a great expanse of flesh. The wolf growled at him again for moving but just kept licking. He wiggled as the wolf found a particularly sensitive spot. Harry tried not to laugh but the more he was licked the greater the challenge. He clapped his hands over his mouth as he let out a laugh. "I can't help it! I'm ticklish," he protested when the wolf growled again and flashed his teeth. "Great ruddy tease, you are," Harry grumbled.

The wolf's head snapped up.

"Yes I'm talking to you," he snapped. "It's not fair that you just keep teasing me like this." Somehow he got the balls to move and flop down on his stomach so he and the wolf were face to face. "Make up your--" He froze when the wolf licked his mouth. It wasn't the sort of lick that you got from your neighbors dog, it was sort of the way Harry thought a kiss should be like...only much wetter. "You--" He frowned. "What do you think I am, easy? You can't just--"

The wolf licked him again.

"Oi! That's not fair! Why're you the one doing all--" He stopped himself before he could finish that sentence and he was quite glad that he had. This situation was turning out much weirder than the weirdest thing he'd ever read about. The wolf licked him again.

"Would you stop that!" He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Just cause I showed you my stomach doesn't mean you can take advantage of me! I'm a powerful wizard you know."

The wolf crouched down and growled at him.

He swallowed thickly. "Right. Not that powerful." He turned onto his back and stared into the face of the wolf. "Happy now? So have your wicked way with me, just leave me out of it." He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from the wolf.

He howled when a stream of something landed on his leg. The smell that wafted through the air horrified him. "You peed on me!" He glared at the wolf who looked quite pleased with himself. "I am not your territory, thank you very much." He was definitely taking a very long shower if he ever got out of this. "No wonder you don't get laid," he grumbled and stood up. The wolf didn't seem so frightening now that he was standing.

The wolf growled.

"Growl all you want but I'm going up to my room and going to sleep after I wash all this stink off. Bloody disgusting." Harry turned away and began walking back to the castle. When the wolf growled again, Harry just waved him off. "You don't frighten me anymore. You should've killed me when you had the chance."

He was stopped in his tracks by jaws on his ankle again. Harry sighed. "Look, I know you think I'm yours or something but I think you really need to go find some of your own species. Me boy, you wolf. It would never work between us, mate. Sorry to disappoint you but there's really no way to let you down easy." Watching all those Muggle soap operas was really starting to pay off, Harry thought. Although they'd be more useful if the creature actually understood what he was saying.

The wolf let go and made a whining noise.

Harry rolled his eyes and crouched down so they were sort of eye-to-eye. "I'm sure you're a really great wolf and all but I'm really not your type, trust me. And besides, you can't just pee on someone and expect them to love you just like that." He patted the wolf on the head. "So go on back to the forest and find a nice beastie to molest for awhile. I think you've done me in." He attempted to stand back up but the wolf launched himself at Harry and pinned him to the ground. "Hey! I thought we talked about this!"

The wolf growled threateningly and began to nuzzle Harry's neck, seeking out his pulse point.

Something in Harry told him to panic. "Can't we talk about this?" He yelled when the teeth sunk into his neck. "That's really not romantic!" He hollered and began to wiggle, hoping to put the wolf off balance. He pressed his hand to his neck and felt the blood pouring over his fingers. "I hope someone makes a rug out of you," he squawked as the wolf bent down and began to lick at the wound. "Oh I get it, you're a vampire, too? That's rich!"

But he was too tired to come up with anything else and suddenly very uninterested in what was happening around him. There was a strange tingling in his neck that was slowly working its way down his body to his fingers and toes. He wondered if this is what it felt like to die because he was pretty sure this was the end of him. Hagrid would find him in the morning sucked dry and lifeless on Hogwarts back lawn. They'd talk about it for years. Harry Potter sucked to death by a vampire werewolf, if such a thing existed. If they did, he was pretty sure Snape was one.

He moaned and rolled over to his side. The wolf jumped off his chest and stared as Harry vomited into the grass and groaned loudly. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to will the pain away but it persisted. His blood was being eaten in his veins, he was sure of it. Parasites were slowly devouring every inch of his body starting from the inside. When he opened his eyes, the world was gray and he felt very cold. "I hope you're gutted while you're still alive," he wheezed and died.

----

Harry woke up. He blinked several times as the world became white and very unfocused. I guess you do need glasses after you're dead, he thought and squinted to try and see where exactly his glasses were. It would be very unfortunate if they hadn't died with him. How would he see? He wondered if someone could make him a pair.

He frowned when a great blob came towards him. "Who're you?" He asked, still squinting like an idiot.

The blob sat down and Harry sighed. "Hello Professor Lupin, are you dead, too?" Professor Lupin stared at him. "You aren't dead, Harry."

"Well bollocks," he said. "Could you hand me my glasses then? I'm blind without them." Professor Lupin slid them onto his face but not before getting them caught on Harry's ear. Professor Lupin obviously didn't know how to put on glasses, Harry thought decisively and looked at his professor. He looked awful but it had just been the full moon. "So the wolf didn't kill me then?" Harry felt for the wound on his neck and was surprised when all he felt was a fading scar. Puzzled, he looked to his professor.

"Werewolf saliva has a strong healing agent when it comes to turning someone," he replied.

Harry blinked. "So it was a werewolf then. Well bloody fuck this is just perfect, isn't it?" He crossed his arms and glared at the white duvet. "Bad enough he peed on me, had to go and turn me into a werewolf. Bad manners, that is." He flicked a piece of lint off the shoulder of his pajamas. "And he's left me to boot!"

Professor Lupin chuckled. "He hasn't left you."

Harry snorted. "Right, he'll always be with me in spirit; blah, blah, blah. Fucking coward, that's what he is. Shouldn't go making things you aren't prepared to care for," he said bitterly.

Professor Lupin shifted and moved closer. "He was very aware of what he was doing, werewolves always are." He lifted Harry's chin. "We make the ones we want to be with--most of the time."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Bunch of bollocks if you ask me. Have you ever made a werewolf you didn't want?"

He shook his head. "No, only one and I want to keep him."

"See! Why couldn't you have sired me? Would've made my life much easier." He went back to glaring.

Professor Lupin sighed. "You really are an idiot." He leaned forward and licked Harry.

His eyes widened. It wasn't the kind of lick you got from your neighbor (and thank god for that) but it was the kind of lick that was almost a kiss (if licks could be kisses, mind you). "You--" He put his head in his hands. "Oh bugger me," he groaned.

Professor Lupin grinned. "Oh I plan to."

End.

Challenge: #five: (amanuensis1) For some reason, a Wolfsbane-less Remus encounters young Harry when the full moon change comes over him, and Harry has nowhere to run. Harry instinctively knows that running or fighting will be useless, and to try to avoid the werewolf's bite, tries a "submissive pup" act. It works rather too well...