Title: Flogging the Bond
Author: Lux (quietlygorgeous@hotmail.com
Pairing: Severus Snape/Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: An evil plan is afoot and Dumbledore must evoke that time-honored tradition of -- wait for it -- the *bonding* ceremony. Because as we all know, bonding is just a fancy way of getting married with a few extra perks.
Category/Warning: humor/parody
Feedback: Always appreciated
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Distribution: my site (www.snowroses.net); anywhere else, just ask
Author's Note: I can enjoy a good bonding fic just like the rest of us but sometimes I laugh when I really shouldn't so I decided that it was time to write a version that's *supposed* to be funny. I do hope you enjoy it.

Flogging the Bond

It was a normal day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, well, as normal as can be expected in such a place. The trees were humming, the flowers were singing, and the mandrakes were screaming their heads off. All in all: normal. But in the elaborately decorated office of Headmaster Dumbledore, an evil plan was afoot. Not by him, of course, because what he had planned would be considered frightfully romantic by most, but by Voldemort. The Wizard who strikes fear in the hearts of men, the Wizard who makes little old grannies wet themselves (Grandma Longbottom excluded, of course), and the Wizard who was so frightening that no one would say his name! Now *that's* something to be proud of.

This horribly, evil plan had come to the attention of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore through his trusted friend, Severus Snape. Severus Snape was a pious man and a generally hated ally for the side of good. He was a perfectly dreadful man with a sneer that could shrivel a fig and hair that could polish a thousand trophies. All things considered, he wasn't a man you wanted to have casual tea with but he was good to have around if there was an evil wizard to be fought. Or if you had a batch of students that needed terrifying. He's insanely good at it.

On this perfectly normal day, Headmaster Dumbledore had also called in one Mr. Harry Potter to join himself and Snape. As we all know, Potter was a good, caring young man with an ass like steel and abs to match. He's also quite good at knocking off evil Wizards in his free time and enjoyed bowling accompanied by long walks on the beach.

He sat in one of the chairs across from Dumbledore and eagerly awaited instructions. "What are we going to hit him with this time?" Potter asked, barely able to contain himself.

"Calm down, Potter. Your magically-induced erection is visible from here," Snape sneered.

Ignoring the squabbling duo, Dumbledore got straight to the point while completely evading the question. "Something holy amazing and absolutely bizarre is about to happen!"

Potter gasped, "Oh no!"

"What can we do to stop it?" Snape inquired, feeling his own question was much more conducive to the problem. He was quite sure that Potter would flake at the first sign of trouble, the little toad.

"The only way to prevent this monstrosity from occurring is for you two to bond to each other - a completely made up wizarding tradition that allows you to be super powerful but unable to divorce no matter how much you hate each other. You were picked randomly, of course,Ó Albus coughed discreetly and whistled under his breath. But, as I am oh-so-very clever, I'm quite sure that they are truly meant to be together. Albus, old chap, you've really nailed it this time!

Harry thumped his fist to his chest. "I will do what's best for the wizarding world even if it does mean living with Snape for the rest of his life." Even though I am secretly in love with him but will never tell him until this is all over so I never have to divorce him. Ha ha! I am so clever! Oh Merlin, he's sexy in those robes...

Snape frowned tremendously. "Very well, since a fight will surely do us no good, I shall tolerate the annoying brat's presence in my bed as long as our fucking will save the Wizarding World from certain death and destruction." Eat your heart out, Voldemort! Although, Potter is looking quite scrumptious today. He reminds me of a lacewing, freshly dried and crumbled. Such beauty should be bottled.

Neither of our two heroes realized that Dumbledore never told them what the horrible plan was nor did they stop to think about how their being bonded could do anything to help the cause. Well, Dumbledore knows best.

"When shall the ceremony take place?" Snape asked.

"How about next week? I can't imagine getting bonded without the Weasley's here as they are my second family but perhaps we shouldn't tell Sirius as he is sure to throw a fit that is completely out of character and will cause a major rift between he and myself. This rift will send me sailing into your arms, Snape, and you shall comfort me while I weep. Sirius, on the other hand, will be getting ripped a new ass hole courtesy of Remus because we all know that Remus loves me best."

Dumbledore ignored all this. "It must be today! The sooner the better. I shall officiate because somehow I have the authority to do that. There!" He exclaimed after waving his arms in the air. "Now that you are bonded, you must immediately go down to the dungeons and have hot, passionate, monkey sex because that is the only way for the bonding to be complete."

In a confused daze, Snape and Potter left Dumbledore's office to go copulate in the dungeons. "I suppose this means you will also be living with me from now on," Snape sighed contemptuously. Just what he needed, the little bastard cramping his style. Where would he hold the orgy he was hosting next week?

Potter stared adoringly up at Snape. He couldn't believe his luck! He was bonded to possibly the sexiest man in the country and he was the only one who vaguely acknowledged that Snape was a real catch and had the body of a man who spends all his time in the gym when teachers really don't have the time to get in shape. Wow, he thought, Snape must be really cool to maintain such mighty muscles without any work. How he knew that Snape had muscles, we shall never know.

Upon arriving at the entrance to his chambers, Snape mumbled something in parseltongue that was completely farfetched because even though he is a parseltongue, Potter wasn't able to understand what was being said! Wow, he thought, Snape must be uber cool if he can speak parseltongue and he's not even a parselmouth! That is so sexy.

He followed Snape inside and was amazed. Snape's room was not, in fact, full of torturous equipment and painted black. It was actually quite chipper with a nice spread of pink and green and the occasional touch of purple and blue. "You have really good taste, Snape."

"Why thank you, Potter. I feel the over-powering need to ravage you senseless."

"Oh please do! But let me warn you that I shall kick and scream at first but eventually I will let you fuck me." And he did. Snape screwed Potter into the mattress at nearly lightning-bolt speed. Of course, no one was complaining because Potter hadn't had a good fuck in a really long time and Snape was just pleased to have someone stay near him for more than five minutes.

Afterwards, he was quite sure that he should cancel the orgy since Potter seemed quite keen on staying. "You are an incorrigible brat."

"I love you."

"I do believe I shall be able to tolerate you after all."

At that very moment, Sirius Black came barreling into the room and turned to Potter. "Because I am such a complete bastard, I shall now commence in telling you how stupid you are for binding yourself to Snape and I shall insult Snape until you are close to tears and you shall kick me out of your life for being such an asshole. And of course, ignore the fact that I shouldn't even know what's gone on and nor should I have been able to get in without that absurdly complicated password. Everyone on the same page?"

Potter and Snape nodded.

"Very well." Sirius cleared his throat. "Get off him!" He screeched. "I am the keeper of his chastity and I shan't let you take that away from him! Knave! Scoundrel! You're nothing but an evil nasty old man who only wants to get in little boys' pants. And Harry, what were you thinking shacking up with such a greasy bastard?"

"But Sirius!" Potter cried. "It was only to save the rest of the world. What we have done is noble and sacred. I won't let you ruin this perfect moment for me. Even though I have only been bonded to Snape for less than three hours, I know that he is more important to me than you are. Be gone, rogue!"

"I am only trying to protect you!" Black responded. "I'm sure that Snape has used some Jedi mind trick to make you and Dumbledore his slaves. Even though, Dumbledore is all powerful, IÕm quite sure that Snape is an evil mastermind and has the power to do so."

"Wow. Thanks,Ó Snape said, rather taken aback at the compliment.

"Don't mention it," Black replied. "Now, I shall try - unsuccessfully - to make you see reason, Harry."

"Stop!" Lupin proclaimed, magically showing up out of nowhere. "Now, I shall make peace and as I haul Sirius away, kicking and screaming, I will simultaneously give my blessing because I've always secretly liked Snape. And because Sirius finds me so irresistible, I shall withhold sex until he agrees that you two are a good match." He picked up Black's hand. "Come along, Sirius. It's time for your flea shot. Leave Harry and Severus alone so they can shag."

"No," Black said flatly as Lupin dragged him away. Stagnantly he announced dully, "No, no. You cannot take me away from Harry. No, no."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "Oh put a little leg into it. See you later, Harry, Severus. Oh, you did remember to take an anti-fertility potion, right? Because everyone knows that once you're bonded, men are capable of having babies."

Harry and Snape blanched.

"Oh, Albus didn't tell you? Sneaky of him, isn't it?"

Potter suddenly felt very ill. "Even though we only shagged half an hour ago, I am getting the distinct feeling that I am pregnant. Well, I always wanted a family because my up bringing was so awful. I think I shall go throw up now as that is the appropriate thing to do when one is pregnant. Gee, I hope this won't effect our chances of defeating whatever evil thing that Voldemort has planned."

"As much as I loathe children, I find myself so attracted to you at the moment now that you are carrying my child. I have always secretly wanted a family and I look forward to the remaining years with you. Oh Harry, I do believe I have fallen in love with you when we have only been together a matter of hours and before that, I hated you more than Voldemort!"

"Oh Sev, you're so romantic!" Potter cried and flung his arms around Snape's neck. "I will happily bear your child even though I'm sure I shall be a wet blanket through the whole pregnancy and I'll probably call you a slough of horrible names that I will secretly mean but apologize for later."

"That's just what I've always wanted!" Snape proclaimed.

"Kiss me, you fool!"

And they lived Bondedly Ever After.

End.